Yes, eggs. Not actual eggs (well yes actual eggs as well) but a 'short short story competition' I entered years ago. I think it was linked with Adelaide Uni but I can't remember now. Funny thing is they asked me to write a short bit about myself so I wrote a bit of rubbish - along the lines of 'I live in the outback with some chickens, flies and a wife but not necessarily in that order'.
Little did I realise that on publication (I got a runners up thing) that every other person had written sensible stuff about themselves. Ah well. Anyway I found the story and it is here for those that need sonething to help them sleep.
Al once said to me all those years ago ( when I was going through an attempted writing phase) that if I couldn't think what to type then just type anything that came into my head. Hence a series of short on the fly ad-libbed type of stuff. Make it up as I go along. Much like life really. Or maybe not. Depending.
Anyway here:
EGGS
“It’s a bit cold in here,” said Six.
“And dark,” added Five.
“Yeah, cold and dark,” agreed Six.
“Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.”
“Who said that?” asked Six.
“I did.”
“Who’s ‘I’?”
“My name is er…oh yes, One,” replied the voice.
“Where are you One?” asked Five.
“Just a little way along from you. Two, Three and Four are alongside me.”
“Hello.”
“Hi.”
“G’day.”
“Hello,” replied Five.
“Hiya,” replied Six.
There was a long silence.
“It’s a bit quiet in here,” said Six, “what’s been happening?”
“Lost a few mates today I’m afraid,” replied One, “We don’t get many laughs in here you know.”
“Ah, I see.” There was a pause and then Six added, “How many?”
“Eight in total,” replied One.
“Strewth! That’s one big omelette!” cried Six.
A collective gasp spread across the egg rack.
“What? What did I say?” asked Six.
“We try not to mention…you know,” said One.
“What?” asked Six, “Omelettes?”
Another gasp spread over the rack.
“Well not just the ‘O’ word but the others as well,” explained One.
Five perked up, “Others? I didn’t know there were any others.”
“I’m afraid so,” said One, “There’s F, P, S and B.”
“Oh I see,” said Five, “I’m glad I don’t know about them.”
“Fried, poached, scrambled and boiled!” snapped Six ignoring the cries that arose next to him.
“That’s pretty mean of you,” said One over the sobbing.
“Oh come on! Let’s look at the facts – we’re all going the same way eventually, it’s just that you happen to be next,” replied Six.
“Thanks for reminding me,” said One.
“Well sooner or later I’ll be ‘One’ and then it’ll be my turn,” said Six.
The rack shook and suddenly there was blinding light. Warm air swirled around them. Then, with a violent thud, they were back in the dark again. They had all seen the same shocking image. A bowl of eggs had been placed on the second shelf of the fridge.
Two started shaking.
“Calm down Two, it’s all right,” reassured One.
“Hey!” laughed Four, “The others are back!”
“I don’t think…” started One.
“How’s it goin’!” yelled Four, “Hey! Guys, Guys! What’s happenin’?”
“I think they’re dead,” said One quickly.
“Dead?” replied Four, “Whaddya’ mean?”
“Oh come on!” snapped Six, “They’ve been hard boiled, it’s obvious!”
The others let out a gasp.
Six let out a sigh, “Look, stop gasping will you. They were the lucky ones.”
“Wh…wh…why?” stammered Two.
“Well I’d rather be hard boiled than soft boiled that’s for sure. Imagine having your insides scooped out.”
Two started shaking in its holder again.
“He has a point,” agreed One, “I think I’d rather be hard boiled. It’s okay Two, it won’t hurt.”
“Ha!” snorted Six, “Not unless you’re fried! That would be agony!”
“Come on! Shouted One, “You’re out of order!”
The door swung open. There was light and warmth. Then there was darkness.
“Hey!” shouted Six, “We’ve got a new egg with us. How’s it going Seven?”
“Good god man! Where the hell am I?”
“Inna fridge,” replied Five.
“A fridge! A fridge! Good lord! I can’t be doing in a fridge. Things to do you know!”
“Um, where exactly have you come from?” asked One tentatively.
“Come from? Come from? Well from a chicken of course! And the name’s Roger I’ll thank you very much.”
“Roger?” giggled Five.
“Yes. Roger Macclesby-Smith. Colonel Macclesby-Smith if you must know.”
“You’re completely mad aren’t you?” asked Six.
“I might be barking but you should show some respect young man.”
Six let out a laugh, “You crack me up!”
The others began to laugh as well.
“I say,” said Roger, “I hope that wasn’t an egg joke young lad.”
“Sorry? An egg yoke?” replied Six.
The others laughed harder.
“You, young man are but a child!” scoffed Roger.
“No,” laughed Four, “ he’s an egg!”
“A good egg at that,” laughed One in a mocking accent.
As the laughter in the fridge died Five began to sniff.
“What’s that smell?” he asked.
“Er, I think it’s coming from the bowl,” said One quietly.
“Is that how we’re gonna smell after being boiled?” asked Four.
“That,” said Roger loudly, “is the smell of death young lad. No one is going to make me smell like that what?”
“You don’t have a choice though,” replied Six.
“How dare you! snapped Roger, “We need to fight! Fight and win! Victory will be ours!”
“What on earth are you talking about?” asked Five.
“I’m not going to let some toasty solider scoop out my insides. No sir!”
“But how are you…”
“SHH!” interrupted Roger, “Here it comes lads, get ready!”
“Get ready for what? What are you talking about?” asked Six.
The door swung open. There was light and warmth. Roger rattled in his holder.
“Tally Ho chaps! Chocks away!” he yelled and fell from the rack.
The door swung shut. There was darkness and silence.
“Well,” said Six after a while, “that’s something you don’t see every day.”
“Yeah,” agreed Five.
There was a pause.
“He won though didn’t he?” said Six, “Went out fighting.”
“I don’t know if he was mad or brave,” said One.
“I think he was both,” replied Six letting out a sigh, “Good ol’ Roger.”
There was another long silence.
Six did a poor impersonation, “I say chaps! It’s bloody chilly in here what?”
The eggs laughed, stopped, and then laughed some more.
